Brave or Dumb?

My boss was kind enough to let me borrow his bike until mine is out of hock. (It's currently seized as evidence. I have no idea if it can be salvaged.) Only problem is, my boss' bike has pedals with clips for biking shoes, instead of standard pedals. Yesterday, I finally made it out to a biking store, and picked up a proper pair of cycling shoes, of the mountain biking variety. (While I don't plan on doing any mountain biking, these shoes have treads, and can be walked on comfortably for short distances, when not riding. This isn't the case for most road biking shoes.)

I also picked up a new helmet, several lights, a reflective jacket, some reflective ankle straps with LEDs, and some reflective tape. At least now, they'll see me coming, even if I look like a big dork. I biked down the Stevens Creek trail with Kirsten today, just to prove I have the nerve to make the trip again tomorrow morning. I think I'll be okay, although I do miss my old bike, particularly the straight handlebars and the mirror attached to them.

Otherwise, spent the weekend on recreation, perhaps in the name of mental health? Saw "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" (and liked it), and saw Clerks II twice (and loved it). Ate brunch at Stacks, and dinner at the Tied House. Spent a lot of money I didn't need to, basically, but it beat sitting at home. Did some packing for the wedding, so Wednesday night won't be a total disaster. Looking forward to the wedding stuff, now that most of it is planned. Very much looking forward to seeing a bunch of the east-coast crowd again. Wedding anxiety is taking a backseat to bicycle anxiety, at the moment, and perhaps this is for the best.

Proof that I've always been a head-case, with anxiety issues: When I was a kid (5-8 years old, maybe?) I used to get really worried about the fact that I would have to get married, some day. You see, this meant I would have to kiss a girl, and that was gross. This was a specific fear that popped into my head frequently enough that I still remember it today. Of course, I was scared of everything else, too. I hated going to the dentist (it hurt!), and I knew that some day, I would have to have my wisdom teeth taken out. I feared this, as well. I sometimes wonder what anxiety is like for "normal" people, just like I wonder what it would be like to have a "normal" digestive system. I also wonder what affected me, at such a young age, to make me such an anxious person. Or perhaps it's all a matter of brain chemistry? Where would I be, if I weren't so much of a headcase? Would I have been so driven, if I weren't so terrified of not meeting the expectations of others?

Wellbutrin is both cool and scary. I've lost 5 pounds in two weeks, and my appetite seems to be greatly reduced. I need to be careful...I can miss dinner and not notice until I go to bed. While I've been fairly upbeat and moderately energetic, I've also been a bit high-strung, and I don't think it's doing good things for my anxiety or my stomach, although it does seem to help with the depression. I miss the lexapro a bit, and have been close to calling my doctor to switch back. I'd really like to make it a full four weeks before changing medications around, however. And messing with my brain chemistry this close to the wedding doesn't seem like a wise idea, unless I'm a total mess.

Better living through chemistry.

I've been playing sheepshead with friends at work, and now on Yahoo. It's a delightfully confusing card game, brought to you by Germany, Wisconsin, and the number three. It's simple...you only play with half a deck (7s and above), diamonds are trump, all jacks and queens are trump, tens are higher than Kings, trump Clubs beat Spades beat Hearts beat Diamonds, trump Queens beat Jacks beat diamonds, and you choose your partner by calling the ace of a suit in which you do not have the ace but do have another non-ace card, unless you don't have any such suits, in which case you call an ace you do not have and choose any other card to be played in the trick where that ace is played...which is of course assuming you don't have all three aces (the Ace of Diamonds doesn't count, because it's trump), in which case you call a ten. Thankfully, you only have to worry about choosing your partner if you decide to "pick up"...which is pretty much the only way to win the game, but if you don't pick up, you merely have to worry about figuring out which of the other players is the partner (assuming it isn't you), and figuring out how to play accordingly. Finally, you have to overcome the heckling of your coworkers, who will try to confuse you by saying silly things like "clubs are led", when playing a queen of clubs. (The queen of clubs isn't a club--it's a trump.) It's fun. My first few games, I brought tears of laughter to the eyes of my coworkers, as I fumbled miserably. Now I've pretty muched figured out what's going on, although I don't really know how to score it.

Second Life

I gave Second Life a spin this afternoon. I had given it a half-hearted try a couple years ago, but I didn't have the computer hardware available to do it justice. I've been following the project from a distance for a while, and I've kept pretty high hopes. I think every self-respecting geek wants to see a real-life version of Neal Stephenson's multiverse, myself included. A Google TechTalk about Second Life recently reminded me of the project, and coincided nicely with an email from Linden Labs announcing that they no longer require a credit card or monthly subscription to play. All I needed was a spare weekend, which finally arrived. Most of the wedding/party planning stress has passed, and Kirsten is spending this weekend at a comic convention in San Diego.

Second Life lets you exchange dollars for in-game currency, and vice-versa. On the surface, this is great! This economic basis for a game allows and encourages an amazing amount and variety of in-game commerce, rewards user-developers for producing content, and pays for game servers and programmer salaries via rent and upkeep on in-game land and structures. Unfortunately, the economic structure of the game also has a strong impact on the type of content that is produced. The overwhelming majority of the most popular in-game areas are casinos and malls. The casinos allow their owners to skirt around gambling laws by collecting game currency from users and later converting it to real dollars. The malls sell a variety of in-game models, textures, animations, vehicles, weapons, and toys. At least half of this content is adult in nature, however, and the malls themselves have the feeling of a seedy redlight district. Exploring the in-game menus of popular areas exposes the user to explicit language, and reminds me of advertisements for porn sites. There are a few nightclubs, but those have a very strong vein of adult material as well, including "escort" services. The users of the game seem to be primarily interested in gambling, simulated sex, and simulated furry sex. I felt like Chapelle in his Internet Sketch (warning: ads on this page are not work-safe).

I did manage to find a couple neat areas that weren't totally porn-strewn, and didn't feature anthropomorphic foxes having sex on picnic tables. I took a few screen shots that were moderately pretty.

• Pic 1
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• Pic 3

In short, I wasn't terribly impressed, and I'm feeling a bit let-down. I have fairly high hopes for the idea of consumer-created media, in the long term, but recent examples haven't exactly been inspiring. Ze Frank has a particularly great episode on the subject, that I highly recommend.

Adjusting

For what it's worth, I feel fine. I appear to have made a complete recovery from the accident, at least physically. My back hasn't bothered me in a couple of weeks. The scabs on my leg fell off, and were quickly replaced by smaller scabs. I resisted the urge to pick at the original scabs for as long as I could, but eventually the itchy feeling got the better of me.

My head is a little less well, but getting better. The accident freaked me out a bit, as you can probably imagine. The night of the accident, as I was leaving the office, I left my helmet in the second floor bathroom of building 40. I got as far as my bike before I noticed, and decided to go back and get it. Good thing I did. At least one other day, I left the helmet at home, and didn't realize until I was half way to work. That day, I decided not to go back.

Rather than spending my time thanking my lucky stars, I spent a lot of time dwelling on the accident. I had trouble sleeping for a week or two after the accident, as every time I gave myself a few minutes to relax, the sequence of events of that night would replay over and over in my mind. This eventually eased up, but I'm still very freaked out about traffic, and I'm not so keen on driving, let alone biking.

My tendencies toward self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety have been getting the better of me lately, and were getting the better of me before the accident, too. If I wasn't obsessing over the accident, I was obsessing over my insecurities about work, or the giant TODO list in my mind, including work, wedding party preparation, medical bills, police reports, insurance, etc.. I was getting to the point where I was almost certainly visibly anxious, irritable, and/or depressed at work...certainly not traits I'm eager to show my new coworkers.

I've been on and off various antidepressants of the SSRI variety for the past few years, for the anxiety component of my IBS. I just finished tapering off of Lexapro about a month into my new job. Poor timing, but Kirsten was very adamant that I not put it off any longer, as she sees these drugs as a crutch, and not a long-term solution. Poor timing, nevertheless. I finally saw my new primary care physician last week, explained what I've been like and what I've been feeling, and she quickly stated that I should go back on the antidepressants and stay on them. She suggested Lexapro or Wellbutrin.

I knew what to expect from the Lexapro, and the side effects were bearable, but I had heard good things about Wellbutrin from a friend, so I asked for more information. It sounded like a better deal, in terms of side-effects, so I decided to give it a try. I'm finishing up my first week on it, and I think it's only just starting to kick in, but I feel better today. I'm rarely sure whether the good or bad feeling on a particular day is thanks to the drugs, or thanks to something in my life actually getting better or worse. Once I'm on one of these drugs for a period of months or years, I totally forget what I was like when I was off them. It's an entertaining cycle.

Wellbutrin is interesting, and very unlike Lexapro. Lexapro made me a little bit tired, and perhaps made me sleep a bit more. Paxil was the same way, but the side effects were amplified. Wellbutrin is the opposite. Since I've started it, I feel like I've been on an extended caffeine high, particularly in the morning. (I take it at night.) My energy level is much higher, and I hope it stays that way. On the other hand, I've been waking up in the middle of the night and have been unable to get back to sleep, which is very atypical for me. Sleep is my favorite defense mechanism. I tend to sleep off depression, anxiety, and anger, and it usually works pretty well. Maybe not so much, now.

I'm a little concerned about how a stimulating substance that seems to speed up my metabolism will affect my general level of anxiety. I think a malfunctioning fight-or-flight mechanism is primarily to blame for my stomach trouble. When I get stressed, my digestive system reacts directly. The stomach trouble gives me something to be anxious about, which further fuels the stomach trouble. It's a vicious cycle. I'm happy to be constantly buzzed and energetic, as long as that doesn't bring anxiety or paranoia along with it. I'll try anything once (a personality flaw?), so I'll reserve final judgement until I've been on this stuff a month. I also need to decide whether I am willing to give up drinking completely. I like to enjoy the occasional beer (or two, or five), as most of you probably know. Most medicine warns the user not to drink alcohol while taking it, but the Wellbutrin is particularly clear about alcohol increasing the risk of seizures...and the highly specific nature of the warning is enough to give me pause.

On a non-pharmacological topic, I'm still struggling with work. I have my good days and my bad days, but it seems that my tendency for self-doubt might be winning a good portion of the time. It's a little over three months in, and I'm still looking for my groove. I can name a wide variety of potential culprits for my general level of unhappiness, but I'm really not entirely sure what the problem is. It's certainly my first job that is overwhelmingly operations-centric, instead of programming-centric. I'm not used to having my attention and coding time divided up into 15 minute time slices, scheduled between more urgent operational matters. I'm not sure if I can be acceptably productive like that. Even if I can be productive, I'm not sure I can be happy like that. Only time will tell.

Adjusting to FactSet was a lot easier than this, I think...but I was also coming from a job that made me totally miserable. Anything was likely to look better in comparison. I rather enjoyed my FactSet job, I was very satisfied with the work, my accomplishments, and my growth, and except for some frustration with the fact that the company no longer seemed to provide any meaningful amount of equity to its newer engineers, I had no particular gripe with the company. If they had properly applied a set of golden handcuffs, I probably wouldn't have left. I don't regret my decision to leave, but the occasional feeling of doubt crosses my mind when I have a bad day, a bad moment, or just a bad mix of brain chemistry. It's not that I want to go back. While I miss many of the people terribly, I don't really miss the company as a whole so much as I miss my own feelings of adequacy, security, and comfort. This is a new ballgame, and I won't have that sort of self-confidence until I feel I've earned it. Living without it is hard.

Random aside: the man who hit me was arrested for DUI, admitted smoking part of a joint 2 hours before the accident, and presented no proof of insurance. My bike still remains with the Mountain View police department, as evidence. The medical bills that have arrived total nearly $9000, and I expect more in the mail shortly. My insurance will cover everything, except for perhaps a couple hundred in copays. If I were one of the ~50 million Americans without insurance, I'd be pretty screwed.