Brave or Dumb?

My boss was kind enough to let me borrow his bike until mine is out of hock.
(It's currently seized as evidence. I have no idea if it can be salvaged.)
Only problem is, my boss' bike has pedals with clips for biking shoes,
instead of standard pedals. Yesterday, I finally made it out to a biking
store, and picked up a proper pair of cycling shoes, of the mountain biking
variety. (While I don't plan on doing any mountain biking, these shoes have
treads, and can be walked on comfortably for short distances, when not riding.
This isn't the case for most road biking shoes.)

I also picked up a new helmet, several lights, a reflective jacket, some
reflective ankle straps with LEDs, and some reflective tape. At least now,
they'll see me coming, even if I look like a big dork. I biked down the
Stevens Creek trail with Kirsten today, just to prove I have the nerve
to make the trip again tomorrow morning. I think I'll be okay, although I
do miss my old bike, particularly the straight handlebars and the mirror
attached to them.

Otherwise, spent the weekend on recreation, perhaps in the name of mental
health? Saw "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" (and liked it), and saw Clerks II
twice (and loved it). Ate brunch at Stacks, and dinner at the Tied House.
Spent a lot of money I didn't need to, basically, but it beat sitting
at home. Did some packing for the wedding, so Wednesday night won't
be a total disaster. Looking forward to the wedding stuff, now that most
of it is planned. Very much looking forward to seeing a bunch of the
east-coast crowd again. Wedding anxiety is taking a backseat to bicycle
anxiety, at the moment, and perhaps this is for the best.

Proof that I've always been a head-case, with anxiety issues:
When I was a kid (5-8 years old, maybe?) I used to get really worried
about the fact that I would have to get married, some day. You see, this
meant I would have to kiss a girl, and that was gross. This was a
specific fear that popped into my head frequently enough that I still
remember it today. Of course, I was scared of everything else, too.
I hated going to the dentist (it hurt!), and I knew that some day, I would
have to have my wisdom teeth taken out. I feared this, as well. I
sometimes wonder what anxiety is like for "normal" people, just like I
wonder what it would be like to have a "normal" digestive system. I also
wonder what affected me, at such a young age, to make me such an anxious
person. Or perhaps it's all a matter of brain chemistry? Where would
I be, if I weren't so much of a headcase? Would I have been so driven,
if I weren't so terrified of not meeting the expectations of others?

Wellbutrin is both cool and scary. I've lost 5 pounds in two weeks, and my
appetite seems to be greatly reduced. I need to be careful...I can miss dinner
and not notice until I go to bed. While I've been fairly upbeat and
moderately energetic, I've also been a bit high-strung, and I don't think
it's doing good things for my anxiety or my stomach, although it does
seem to help with the depression. I miss the
lexapro a bit, and have been close to calling my doctor to switch back.
I'd really like to make it a full four weeks before changing medications
around, however. And messing with my brain chemistry this close to the
wedding doesn't seem like a wise idea, unless I'm a total mess.

Better living through chemistry.

I've been playing sheepshead with friends at work, and now on Yahoo. It's
a delightfully confusing card game, brought to you by Germany, Wisconsin,
and the number three. It's simple...you only play with half a deck (7s and
above), diamonds are trump, all jacks and queens are trump, tens are higher
than Kings, trump Clubs beat Spades beat Hearts beat Diamonds, trump
Queens beat Jacks beat diamonds, and you
choose your partner by calling the ace of a suit in which you do not have
the ace but do have another non-ace card, unless you don't have any such
suits, in which case you call an ace you do not have and choose any other
card to be played in the trick where that ace is played...which is of course
assuming you don't have all three aces (the Ace of Diamonds doesn't count,
because it's trump), in which case you call a ten. Thankfully, you only
have to worry about choosing your partner if you decide to "pick up"...which
is pretty much the only way to win the game, but if you don't pick up, you
merely have to worry about figuring out which of the other players is the
partner (assuming it isn't you), and figuring out how to play accordingly.
Finally, you have to overcome the heckling of your coworkers, who will
try to confuse you by saying silly things like "clubs are led", when playing
a queen of clubs. (The queen of clubs isn't a club--it's a trump.)
It's fun. My first few games, I brought tears of laughter to the eyes
of my coworkers, as I fumbled miserably. Now I've pretty muched figured
out what's going on, although I don't really know how to score it.

Second Life

I gave Second Life a spin this afternoon.
I had given it a half-hearted try a couple years ago, but I didn't have the computer
hardware available to do it justice. I've been following the project from a distance
for a while, and I've kept pretty high hopes. I think every self-respecting geek wants
to see a real-life version of Neal Stephenson's multiverse, myself included. A
Google
TechTalk about Second Life recently reminded me of the project, and coincided
nicely with an email from Linden Labs announcing that they no longer require
a credit card or monthly subscription to play. All I needed was a spare weekend,
which finally arrived. Most of the wedding/party planning stress has passed,
and Kirsten is spending this weekend at a comic convention in San Diego.

Second Life lets you exchange dollars for in-game currency, and vice-versa. On the
surface, this is great! This economic basis for a game allows and encourages an
amazing amount and variety of in-game commerce, rewards user-developers for producing
content, and pays for game servers and
programmer salaries via rent and upkeep on in-game land and structures. Unfortunately,
the economic structure of the game also has a strong impact on the type of content
that is produced. The overwhelming majority of the most
popular in-game areas are casinos and malls. The casinos allow their owners to skirt
around gambling laws by collecting game currency from users and later converting it
to real dollars. The malls sell a variety of in-game models, textures, animations,
vehicles, weapons, and toys. At least half of this content is adult in nature, however,
and the malls themselves have the feeling of a seedy redlight district. Exploring the
in-game menus of popular areas exposes the user to explicit language, and reminds
me of advertisements for porn sites. There are a few nightclubs, but those have a
very strong vein of adult material as well, including "escort" services. The users
of the game seem to be primarily interested in gambling, simulated sex, and simulated
furry sex. I felt like Chapelle in his
Internet Sketch (warning:
ads on this page are not work-safe).

I did manage to find a couple neat areas that weren't totally porn-strewn, and
didn't feature anthropomorphic foxes having sex on picnic tables. I took a few
screen shots that were moderately pretty.

• Pic 1


• Pic 2


• Pic 3

In short, I wasn't terribly impressed, and I'm feeling a bit let-down.
I have fairly high hopes for the idea of consumer-created media, in the long term,
but recent
examples haven't exactly been inspiring. Ze
Frank has a particularly great
episode on
the subject, that I highly recommend.

Adjusting

For what it's worth, I feel fine. I appear to have made a complete
recovery from the accident, at least physically. My back hasn't bothered
me in a couple of weeks. The scabs on my leg fell off, and were quickly
replaced by smaller scabs. I resisted the urge to pick at the original
scabs for as long as I could, but eventually the itchy feeling got the
better of me.

My head is a little less well, but getting better. The accident freaked
me out a bit, as you can probably imagine. The night of the accident, as
I was leaving the office, I left my helmet in the second floor bathroom of
building 40. I got as far as my bike before I noticed, and decided to go
back and get it. Good thing I did. At least one other day, I left
the helmet at home, and didn't realize until I was half way to work. That
day, I decided not to go back.

Rather than spending my time thanking my lucky stars, I spent a lot
of time dwelling on the accident. I had trouble sleeping for a week or
two after the accident, as every time I gave myself a few minutes to relax,
the sequence of events of that night would replay over and over in my mind.
This eventually eased up, but I'm still very freaked out about traffic, and
I'm not so keen on driving, let alone biking.

My tendencies toward self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety
have been getting the better of me lately, and were getting the better
of me before the accident, too. If I wasn't obsessing over the accident,
I was obsessing over my insecurities about work, or the giant TODO list in
my mind, including work, wedding party preparation, medical bills, police
reports, insurance, etc.. I was getting to the point where I was almost
certainly visibly anxious, irritable, and/or depressed at work...certainly
not traits I'm eager to show my new coworkers.

I've been on and off various antidepressants of the SSRI variety for the
past few years, for the anxiety component of my IBS. I just finished
tapering off of Lexapro about a month into my new job. Poor timing, but
Kirsten was very adamant that I not put it off any longer, as
she sees these drugs as a crutch, and not a long-term solution. Poor
timing, nevertheless. I finally saw my new primary care physician last
week, explained what I've been like and what I've been feeling, and she quickly
stated that I should go back on the antidepressants and stay on them.
She suggested Lexapro or Wellbutrin.

I knew what to expect from the
Lexapro, and the side effects were bearable, but I had heard good things
about Wellbutrin from a friend, so I asked for more information. It sounded
like a better deal, in terms of side-effects, so I decided to give it a try.
I'm finishing up my first week on it, and I think it's only just starting
to kick in, but I feel better today. I'm rarely sure whether the good or
bad feeling on a particular day is thanks to the drugs, or thanks to
something in my life actually getting better or worse. Once I'm on one of
these drugs for a period of months or years, I totally forget what I was
like when I was off them. It's an entertaining cycle.

Wellbutrin is interesting, and very unlike Lexapro. Lexapro made me a
little bit tired, and perhaps made me sleep a bit more. Paxil
was the same way, but the side effects were amplified. Wellbutrin
is the opposite. Since I've started it, I feel like I've been on an
extended caffeine high, particularly in the morning. (I take it at night.)
My energy level is much higher, and I hope it stays that way. On the other
hand, I've been waking up in the middle of the night and have been unable
to get back to sleep, which is very atypical for me. Sleep is my favorite
defense mechanism. I tend to sleep off depression, anxiety, and anger,
and it usually works pretty well. Maybe not so much, now.

I'm a little concerned about how a stimulating substance that seems
to speed up my metabolism will affect my general level of anxiety.
I think a malfunctioning fight-or-flight mechanism is primarily to blame
for my stomach trouble. When I get stressed, my digestive system reacts
directly. The stomach trouble gives me something to be anxious about,
which further fuels the stomach trouble. It's a vicious cycle. I'm happy
to be constantly buzzed and energetic, as long as that doesn't bring
anxiety or paranoia along with it. I'll try anything once (a personality
flaw?), so I'll reserve final judgement until I've been on this stuff a
month. I also need to decide whether I am willing to give up drinking
completely. I like to enjoy the occasional beer (or two, or five), as
most of you probably know. Most medicine warns the user not to drink
alcohol while taking it, but the Wellbutrin is particularly clear about
alcohol increasing the risk of seizures...and the highly specific nature
of the warning is enough to give me pause.

On a non-pharmacological topic, I'm still struggling with work. I have
my good days and my bad days, but it seems that my tendency for self-doubt
might be winning a good portion of the time. It's a little over three
months in, and I'm still looking for my groove. I can name a wide variety of
potential culprits for my general level of unhappiness, but I'm really
not entirely sure what the problem is. It's certainly my first job that
is overwhelmingly operations-centric, instead of programming-centric.
I'm not used to having my attention and coding time divided up into 15
minute time slices, scheduled between more urgent operational matters.
I'm not sure if I can be acceptably productive like that. Even if I can
be productive, I'm not sure I can be happy like that. Only time
will tell.

Adjusting to FactSet was a lot easier than this, I
think...but I was also coming from a job that made me totally miserable.
Anything was likely to look better in comparison. I rather enjoyed
my FactSet job, I was very satisfied with the work, my accomplishments,
and my growth, and except for some frustration with the fact that the
company no longer seemed to provide any meaningful amount of equity to its
newer engineers, I had no particular gripe with the company. If they
had properly applied a set of golden handcuffs, I probably wouldn't have
left. I don't regret my decision to leave, but the occasional feeling of
doubt crosses my mind when I have a bad day, a bad moment, or just a bad
mix of brain chemistry. It's not that I want to go back. While I miss many
of the people terribly, I don't really miss the company as a whole so much
as I miss my own feelings of adequacy, security, and comfort. This is
a new ballgame, and I won't have that sort of self-confidence until I feel
I've earned it. Living without it is hard.

Random aside: the man who hit me was arrested for DUI, admitted smoking
part of a joint 2 hours before the accident, and presented no proof of
insurance. My bike still remains with the Mountain View police department,
as evidence. The medical bills that have arrived total nearly $9000, and
I expect more in the mail shortly. My insurance will cover everything,
except for perhaps a couple hundred in copays. If I were one of the
~50 million Americans without insurance, I'd be pretty screwed.